


all you really want is so near you (well maybe what you want is right here)

by loverofshows



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:48:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24408319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loverofshows/pseuds/loverofshows
Summary: Carina and Maya deal with life and each other
Relationships: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 7
Kudos: 123





	all you really want is so near you (well maybe what you want is right here)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic so keep that in mind! I just love this ship so much and I want to explore both Maya and Carina equally. This first chapter is kind of Maya heavy, but I think Carina deserves a lot of attention too, especially considering she doesn't get much of her own storyline in the show. 
> 
> This will hopefully be multichapter! I started writing this early-on so it's not really canon-compliant with any of the stuff that happened with Maya's dad. I'm trying to explore a different take on that. I think of this fic as being in the very early stages of their relationship.
> 
> (and yes, the title is from that calzona song when they said I love you for the first time. that scene literally gets me every time.)

Carina was at the ER desk, listening to Amelia go on about some obscure neuro clinical trial she had read about. The two of them had quickly moved on from the awkwardness of both of them sleeping with Owen and instead, had probably become faster friends because of it. Carina liked Amelia’s no-bullshit, direct way of talking. It was refreshing, considering she was surrounded by cryptic, emotionally-stunted Seattle doctors who refuse to let anyone know they had real feelings.

“And as I was reading this article, I realized that this guy was a complete and total asshat! I mean he thought that increased activity in the frontal lobe caused the kinky behavior of his patients in bed. Turns out the guy was sleeping with all of them and wanted to get famous from it,” Amelia explained, with an amused grin on her face. 

“Mhmm,” Carina responded distractedly, staring out the ER doors at the pouring Seattle rain. It was always raining here. In a sick way, she hoped for a trauma so that Maya might come with it.

“Did you even hear a word I just said?” Amelia said. “What’s got you so distracted, DeLuca? Someone on your mind?”

Carina turned to look at Amelia, who was looking right back with intense, quizzical eyes. 

“Oh my god, is it that hot firefighter girl you told me about the other night? The one you met at Joe’s?” Amelia grinned knowingly.

Carina blushed slightly, giving herself away immediately.

“Ok, fine maybe I’m thinking about her. But, I don’t think it’s gonna go anywhere. It’s… complicated and I don’t know what I am to her,” Carina looked down. “It's nothing.”

Amelia jabbed Carina with a pen, making her yelp and glare at her.  
“What the hell was that for?”

“But you don’t want it to be nothing! Admit it, you—“

Amelia’s teasing was interrupted by the ER doors slamming open and two gurneys rolling in. Carina and Amelia rushed forward to meet them at the doors and to her surprise, Carina saw Maya performing compressions on the first patient. She looked more stressed than Carina had ever seen her, her face covered in soot and body covered in bruises and cuts. Carina’s heart seized and was immediately struck with a intense concern for Maya. Carina knew that Maya was not one to know her own limits. She would sacrifice herself to save anyone and not think anything of it. Suddenly, Maya’s strong but shaky voice pulled Carina out of her thoughts.

“30 year old female, 28 weeks pregnant, severe burns over part of her torso and leg, with a crush injury on her left arm. Lost pulse en route, been down 3 minutes.”

“Let’s go to trauma 2,” Carina ordered, guiding Maya and the patient through the chaotic ER.

Once in the trauma room, Carina moved to take over compressions, but Maya stayed rooted in place.

“I got this,” she hissed, eyes wild and determined. “Let me do this.”

“Alright, alright,” Carina said, stepping back cautiously. Watching Maya continue compressions, she thought that Maya must have been doing them all the way to the hospital and wonders if her arms are tired. Then, Carina realized that Maya wouldn’t even care.

“What happened?” She asked the firefighter next to her— Andy, she thought was her name. Andy looked exhausted, not much better than Maya, and just as concerned as Carina.

“There was an apartment building fire, gas leak we think,” she explained. “This woman was stuck under a fallen beam and Maya was the only one to get her. She nearly killed herself doing it too; I wouldn’t have even tried.”

“Maya is she—“ Carina paused, not sure what question she’s even trying to ask, just thinking of the feverish look in her eyes. 

Andy cut her off, understanding immediately. “Her father’s in town,” she said quietly, carefully, as if that explains everything.

Carina glanced at the monitor, no change, no pulse. It had been at least 10 minutes. Maya was still doing compressions forcefully, muttering under her breath, but Carina knew it wouldn’t do any good.

“She’s been down for at least 10 minutes, it’s over.” Carina said. Maya didn’t move.

“Maya, I can still deliver the baby, but I need you to stop,” Carina said more forcefully this time.

Maya barely looked up at the sound of her own name, still muttering under her breath.

“C’mon, c’mon. Come back to me. Please. Please.”

Carina moved over towards Maya and put a hand on her arm. “Maya, it’s over. She’s already gone. You did your best.”

Maya’s head shot up at those words and jerked her arms away suddenly. Her blue eyes were rimmed with red, her hands covered in blood and soot, and blonde hair wild. She looked beautiful, even now, and Carina’s heart leapt into her throat. Maya stared at Carina like she didn’t know who she was, a pained expressed on her face. 

“Time of death 15:30,” Carina said carefully, still watching Maya, who hadn’t moved from the patients side. “I need to deliver the baby now.”

Carina moved to prepare for a C-section, as Maya still stood there.

“Maya, come on,” she heard Andy whisper, standing at the door.

“No,” Maya finally croaked out, voice ragged. “I need to see the baby.”

“Okay, alright,” Andy said. “I’ll be out there.”

Carina was just about to make the first cut when Maya grabbed her arm. She looked up at her.

“Carina please,” Maya said desperately. “Save the baby.”

Carina just nodded. “10-blade,” she said.

————————————————————

After getting the baby situated in the NICU, Carina lost track of Maya. She was by her side the whole c-section (unorthodox, she knows, but Maya always seems to be defying her expectations), but sometime after that she must have left. Walking back down to the ER to finish up some paperwork, Carina ran into just the person she was looking for. Maya was standing at the ER desk, waiting, hands clasped behind her back, with perfect, tense posture. 

“Maya,” she said as a greeting and a question, smiling at the sight of her. Carina handed her chart to the nurse at the desk just as Maya grabbed her arm. She barely grazed her skin, but Carina’s breath hitched at the touch and her arm felt hot. They were suddenly so much closer than she realized and Carina saw the exhaustion in Maya’s eyes, the dirt and grime in every pore. Even under the circumstances, Carina’s eyes instinctively flicked down to Maya’s lips and she thought Maya did the same. It felt like they’d been standing there, staring at each other for hours, when Carina knew it had only been a few minutes. There was something in Maya’s eyes that Carina couldn’t really read. She finally cleared her throat, as if embarrassed, and stepped back, releasing Carina’s arm, muttering “sorry.” She felt the loss of the touch almost immediately.

“How’s the baby? Is she okay?” 

“Yeah, she’s fine. Premature of course, but she’s a fighter. I can sense it,” Carina smiled. “And I have a nose for these things, as you Americans say.”

Maya laughed quietly. “I’m sure you do.”

There was a moment of silence, not uncomfortable, but just bordering on awkward if the two weren’t so exhausted, when Carina notices blood on her lab coat where Maya grabbed her.

“Maya, your arm,” Carina said, gesturing to the deep cut that seems to be the source of the blood. “Let me look at that. I can’t believe you didn’t say anything sooner.”

“It’s nothing, Carina, really. I barely even felt it,” Maya tried to brush her off, but Carina was persistent.

“Maya,” she said firmly. “You spent hours rescuing all these people from a burning building and saving their lives and now it’s time for someone else to take care of you.”

That seemed to shut her up at least until they reach an empty trauma room. Carina automatically began grabbing a suture kit and antiseptic from the cabinets.

“Not all their lives,” Maya said. Carina turned around and her eyes met Maya’s pained expression.

“What, I don’t—“ Carina started, confused. 

“You said I ‘saved all these people’ but clearly, I didn’t,” Maya said hollowly, not looking at her. “I didn’t save them _all._ I failed. If I had just gotten to her sooner, if I had just been faster.”

Carina saw where Maya was going, she’d seen this before in a lot of doctors, felt it before herself, after losing every patient. 

“It’s just that I tried, Carina. I tried so hard but I couldn’t, the smoke was so thick and-“ Maya’s voice broke and Carina cut her off, “Maya, stop. You did amazing work today and I know you feel like you didn’t do enough, but some things you can’t control. You can’t punish yourself for not being fast enough or not getting there in time. That’s not your fault.” She tried to grab Maya’s hand, desperate for her to understand what she’s saying, but Maya flinched away as if burned. Her eyes are suddenly cold and far away.

“I was a gold-medal olympian in track & field, Carina. Did you know that?” Maya said quietly.

“No, I didn’t- I didn’t know that,” Carina admitted, vaguely remembering some rumor about an olympian firefighter at Station 19 but never connecting the two.

“I won almost every race I ran. I’m not saying that to brag, I just did. It wasn’t like I had much of a choice anyway, with how my dad _was,_ you know?” Carina didn’t know (she could imagine, if her own father was anything to go by), but nodded anyway. It seemed important for Maya to explain this.

“Do you know what my dad would say to me after every race I lost?” Maya took a deep breath and her knuckles turned white as she clenches them into tight fists.

“What?” Carina said quietly, almost scared of the answer. The air in the room fell heavily over the two of them. 

“‘It’s your thoughts, Maya.’ He would say. ‘Your emotions, that’s the problem. You need to get better at controlling your thoughts, that’s why you lose. You need to be in control. Or else everyone eventually tips.’”

Now it made sense why Maya was so on edge. Those words reminded Carina of her own father, raving in his cluttered study back in Italy. _You must follow in my legacy, figlia. It is not enough to be good, you have to be the best. Stop crying! Tears will not get you sympathy here._ His voice echoed in Carina’s head as she stared at Maya and Carina blinked, trying to focus.

“Do they?” Carina said finally, because it felt like the logical thing to say.

Maya looked up at her quickly, and seemed shocked by the question. “What?”

“Do they all eventually tip?”

Maya laughed without mirth and looked away. “I don’t fucking know Carina. It’s just a stupid thing my dad used to say. He had a fear of canoes I guess. Always thought it would tip over and he’d fall out.” 

Carina laughed tensely. “Right,” she said, knowing that wasn’t true at all. “Let’s get that arm fixed up then, _Bella.”_

Carina ripped the arm of Maya’s shirt open and began to suture the cut in silence, shaken by the conversation.

“Thank you, Carina,” Maya said, sounding like she might cry, “Seriously, thank you. I know I’m a fucking mess.”

“You’re not, it’s going to be okay. We’ll figure it out,” Carina reassured her and wondered if there was anything about Maya that didn’t make her the most intriguing, beautiful, strong woman she’d ever met.

Maya didn’t say anything. Just stared at Carina unabashedly with earnest, blue eyes. Carina swallowed hard, feeling a blush creep up her neck. Carina DeLuca? Blushing? Maya has really done a number on her.

“All done,” Carina said roughly, laying down her instruments and taking off her gloves. The air in the room felt heavy with a different kind of tension. Carina was suddenly very aware of the fact that Maya was only wearing a tank top, her fucking arms and body very exposed and thinks for the billionth time today that Maya was the hottest woman she’s ever seen. 

“What?” Carina whispered, still standing way too close to Maya for her brain to come up with any more sophisticated of a question. She should have stepped back by now, but Maya had a pull on her and she was rooted to the spot.

“I just-“ Maya cut herself off by closing the small distance between them and bringing their lips together. _Finally_ , Carina thought, and then she didn’t really think anything because Maya’s hands were on her waist, and she pressed her up against the wall, kissing her hard and slowly, full of emotion. Carina let out a strangled moan as Maya’s tongue entered her mouth. Her hands were tangled in Maya’s hair, their thighs pressed together, and Carina kissed Maya back with more fervor, pulling her closer than physically possible. Maya started kissing down Carina’s neck, as Carina panted heavily, so turned on she might die—

“Carina Deluca!” said a gleeful voice as the door to the trauma room swings open. Maya stepped back quickly, as if burned, as Amelia laughs, a shit-eating grin on her face. “Sorry to interrupt lovebirds.” 

Maya looked adorably confused, glancing between the laughing Shepherd and a pissed Carina.

Carina whacked Amelia lightly on the arm to get her to stop laughing. “Maya, this is head of neuro Amelia Shepherd, Amelia this is Maya Bishop, SFD Captain.”

Maya looked still confused but slightly relieved and stuck out her hand. “Great to meet you, Dr. Shepherd.”

“Likewise, Captain Bishop,” Amelia drawled, popping the p on “Bishop,” looking Maya up and down unabashedly. “I’ve heard great things about you from Dr. Deluca.”

Maya rose her eyebrows with a smirk that made Carina bite her lip hard. “Oh really?” she said, grinning like Amelia now. 

“Really. I don’t know if I more want to be you or be under you-“

“Okay,” Carina cut in. “Can you try not to flirt with Maya right in front of me within seconds of meeting her maybe?”

“Awww,” Amelia mocked. “Are you jealous or something?”

“Yeah,” Maya said huskily, putting her arm around Amelia casually. “Are you, babe?”

Carina was flustered by the nickname momentarily and forgot how to form words, as Maya and Amelia watched her, trying not to laugh.

“This isn’t fair, _Bella,_ ” Carina pouted. “You two can’t team up against me!”

Maya finally laughed, a glorious sound to Carina’s ears, and moved away from Amelia to grab Carina’s hand. 

“I’m sorry,” Maya chuckled. “It’s just to easy to get you all worked up.”

“Come to my place tonight and I’ll show you just how worked up I get you,” Carina husked in Maya’s ear, looking for payback. Maya’s eyes darken and Carina would have slammed her up against the wall if Amelia wasn’t right there. “I think I can arrange that,” Maya murmured.

“Alright, looks like that’s my cue to leave,” Amelia said, walking out of the trauma room awkwardly.

Carina and Maya stared at each other for a few seconds and then burst out laughing. They continue laughing and talking about nothing and everything walking out into the parking lot, until Maya’s phones buzzed, stopping her dead in her tracks. Maya’s body stiffened next to her as she read the text, and Carina couldn’t help but glance and see “dad” as the sender.

“What is it, _mi amore?_ ” Carina said, trying to keep her tone concerned but casual. 

Maya stared at her phone for a few more seconds, brow furrowed.

“I’m sorry, Carina,” she said, releasing her hand. “I actually can’t come over tonight. I have to go- I have to deal with something.”

Carina sighed, frustrated, knowing Maya is pulling away, but still concerned considering their conversation earlier. “Are you sure? At least let me drive you to wherever you need to go,” she offered. 

“No, it’s fine Carina. I’ll just run,” Maya responded immediately, but not harshly. 

“You really shouldn’t with your arm and your other injuries. It isn’t-“

“Look,” Maya said seriously, suddenly staring directly at Carina. “I know you’re not in the habit of fixing broken people and I’m just about as broken as they come. I really really like you Carina and I want to be with you, but it wouldn’t be fair. I know I have a lot to work out, I know that” Maya laughed weakly. “And it’s not fair for me to always have you bear the brunt of it.”

Carina was silent for a few seconds, waiting. “Are you finished?” She said, tired.

“Yeah, yeah I am,” Maya stuttered, looking hurt.

“Are you done deciding what’s good for me? What’s enough for me? Jesus, Maya. I’m an adult woman who knows her limits. I know what I signed up for with you, with this,” Carina gestured emphatically between the two of them. “We’re both broken or we’re both human, I don’t know! You’re not the only one with problems and I will tell you if it’s too much for me. Will you trust me to just do that?” Carina let out a breath, relived, as Maya looks at her with an unreadable expression. 

“Yeah,” Maya said finally, breaking out into a huge smile. “Yeah I think I can do that.”

“Ok, good then,” Carina smiles. “Now, go deal with your thing.”

“Ok I will. Thank you again,” Maya said, quickly kissing Carina on the lips before running off. Carina just stood there in the parking lot, watching her run away and thought _I am so fucked._

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! please leave me some comments if you wish! I know i don't really have the voices down yet, but i'm trying! apologizes if my style fluctuates greatly throughout this story, it's just what happens with my writing generally.


End file.
